Tonight I was trying to communicate with Christopher. He was
upset that his mother sent him to bed. He wanted to continue to look at his
train and railroad videos on his iPad and gently fall asleep on the couch
rather than go to bed and get under the covers as he was instructed. Mom got
frustrated and Christopher cried. So I went in to talk to him. The
conversation, as usual with his apraxia of speech, was somewhat one-sided. I
decided to talk to him about why he was so frustrated and we all get frustrated
with the lack of communication. I don’t know if he fully understood me, but I
like to think he did.
I don’t know my exact words, but I tried to explain to
Christopher that he and his brother had something called a disability. I was
speaking of his dyspraxia/apraxia of speech. I told him he and his brother
understood us and knew all the words in their heads. They were both very smart
and understood things, but their bodies did not let them talk in sentences and
communicate like other kids do. I told him he was a smart little boy, and the
most handsome boy at school or church (my bias of course). I told him I love
him. I told him I believed he could try really hard and overcome his disability
in some way, not all at once of course, but that he would grow and develop and
learn to adapt and communicate. I asked him if he wanted to overcome this. He quietly,
but seriously answered “yeah.” Tears started to flow from my eyes because I
know he wants that too. I think he wants to feel normal, but he doesn’t. He
senses he is different from other kids.
I love my children more than ever. I am thankful for them
however God made them. God is sovereign over there disability. I believe that
with all my heart. I was thinking of the verse earlier today from Matthew 5:29: "If your
right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that
you lose one of your members
than that your whole body be thrown into hell."
I would rather my children have a disability and be in
Christ than them be completely normal and outside of Him.
But I was also thinking about this. One thing I miss (and
parents of normal ability children often take for granted) is that I long so
much to have a mutual, two-sided conversation with my children. I tell them all
the time, and I told Elisabeth tonight, that I long to know what they are
thinking. I know them, but I long to know them so much more! When I can’t hear
their side of the conversation I feel so robbed. These boys are such a blessing
and so unique, and I want to know them so much better than I do now. That is
how I know I really love them. I love them so much I want to know them more and
more every day. Unless you are God, you can’t really know a person without
talking to them intimately and often.
But then I got to thinking. Is God showing me something in
this disability my sons have? This was my prayer to my heavenly father tonight
with tears. Again, I don’t know my exact words, but this was the essence of it.
“Lord, you know me intimately. You know my thoughts and my
innermost being. You knew me intimately before I knew you. Yet you, Lord,
desire that your children speak to you in prayer. You are sufficient in
yourself. You do not need anything from us. But something in your character
longs to have fellowship and conversation with your children. You know my
heart. You have put this longing in me to know my children and to hear from
them about their wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. You have put this
longing in me to communicate with my children. You know everything about me,
but you still want to talk to me, and for me to talk to you. I know you
understand my heart and my deep, deep longing to hear my children speak to me.
I know there have been times that I have been like my sons. I have not spoken
to my Father. You had to initiate that conversation to get me to speak. But I don’t
know how to initiate the conversation with my sons. I can’t work a miracle in
their bodies to get them to speak as you have worked in me spiritually to get
me to talk to you. I am helpless to do that Father. Utterly helpless! I need
your mercy and grace for my children. I want to know them so much as you know
me. I wonder what kind of joy you have when your children respond to you in
love and just talk to you. I am thinking the joy that I often feel I am missing
might be a small reflection of the great joy you have when your children come
to you in faith. What joy do you experience when your children tell you about
their struggles, questions, joys, or celebrations at the end of every day? What
do you experience when your children come to you trusting you as their Heavenly
Father with the hearts of little children? So what I long for, Lord, I think
reflects something that you long for. So I ask you this. Please work in my
children so they can talk and communicate with me. Work in Christopher. Work in
Noah. Work in Catherine. I accept their disabilities. I believe you are
sovereign over them. But I ask that you would graciously give them the ability
to communicate. You are the only one to whom I can turn. All the speech therapy
in the world cannot help unless you give it your blessing. Give my children
your mercy and grace I pray.”
Amen.
