This friend has seen my posts about being a parent of children with special needs. Today she found a story about a man named Jack Barr who two years ago went through the grief of finding out he had a daughter with Down Syndrome. In this man's case, he seriously considered abandoning his family in the face of depression and grief over this news. (See story here.) My friend went on to praise me for being "an awesome dad" and thanked me for letting her "peak into my journey."
I read the article about this man and saw much of myself. Though I knew just leaving could not be an option, I can't describe the grief and disappointment that one experiences when news like this falls on one's ears. I said things to my wife I should never have thought, let alone said, in the grief I was experiencing. I hurt her. I am truly sorry for that, and I repent.
Elisabeth was much better at handling this than me. So was my son Christopher, I guess, because he has no understanding of Trisomy-21. Catherine isn't a Down Syndrome baby to him. Catherine is his sister. He adores her. We call him "the Kiss Monster" because he just won't let up when he wants to kiss her. She loves it. She turns to him to meet his kisses with her own. Noah loves her too in his more reserved way.
I wrote a year ago about how I could not resist the charms of this little girl. She is a gift to me. She is a teacher to this teacher. She laughs when I rub her hand along my unshaven face in the morning. She is my precious little girl who has changed my life. I came to embrace the fact that her life will serve a purpose.
I am thankful that my friend offered such wonderful encouragement to me this morning. But if I am an "awesome dad," the awesomeness does not come from me. It is not something within me. The reality is that I am the same as Jack Barr. I am a dad who is selfish and wants his own way. I am a dad who is disappointed and frustrated at lack of perfection in my children. I am a dad who at times wants to give up the fight of daily life. I am a weakling. My wife is braver than me. I need to praise her more for her bravery and her commitment.
The "awesome dad" in me only comes from one thing. That thing is the reality of the gospel. My Heavenly Father had one PERFECT SON, JESUS CHRIST, that he sacrificed in order to redeem many imperfect children throughout the world. The spiritual reality is that I am a disabled child in the eyes of the Heavenly Father. I am disabled by my sin and rebellion against Him. I am a slave to that rebellion without His gracious intervention in my life. He could have, in his righteousness and holiness, left me in my disability. He could have abandoned me. But he did not do that. He sent Jesus on a rescue mission to save me. It cost Him His PERFECT SON, to save his imperfect rebellious children.
The only true Awesome Dad, is our Heavenly Father. Through the redemption He provides I can only reflect in this life what He has done for all eternity. While I remain in the imperfection of this life, I can only reflect it imperfectly. But I have surrendered to the reality that I must do that when it comes to dealing with my children. I must be gracious, patient, but firm. I must love and protect them and train them. I must accept their shortcomings and rejoice at the milestones they reach. My "awesomeness" is not my own. It only comes from the one who is truly AWESOME. I could not be that on my own.
So thank you friend, for your encouragement today. I am not rejecting it. It is truly meaningful. I am just directing the praise to where it really belongs. Thank you for your commitment to pray for our family. I believe you are heard. I pray blessings for you as well.
